Batman v Superman Cereal Proves Batman v Superman Will Suck

Does Batman v Superman Cereal give insight for the finished film? If so, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice will be a mess. It will be confusing with incompatible lead characters fighting for screen dominance. None of the aspects of the film will support any semblance of meaning and purpose and– Oh God… MY FEARS ARE COMING TRUE.

Since Superman most recently appeared in Man of Steel I first wanted to get a taste of the new Batman. I was not very surprised to learn that the Dark Knight’s cereal is a chocolate based cereal. However, I was surprised to learn that it was chocolate-strawberry. I know Batman shouldn’t be soooo serious, but maybe just maybe his cereal could be just a tiny bit more serious than a Hostess snack cake.

Much like Zack Snyder casting Ben Affleck as Batman, using chocolate-strawberry flavoring is a big risk for a cereal. Sure they could have gone for a simpler target, aimed for something easy and safe. But nope. They went against normal conventions and shot for the stars. They messed up, big time.

Batman v Superman Cereal Batman Piece

Ben Affleck does not taste right– I mean… chocolate-strawberry cereal does not taste right. The second I opened the box my nostrils were like, “Oh boy. It’s gonna be like that is it?” The chocolate is a weird powdery, bitter chocolate and the strawberry flavor is closer to laffy taffy than it is to anything that could be considered fruit.

To make matters worse, Batman’s cereal (and Superman’s for that matter) is just too darn small and dense to be enjoyable. It’s stuck in some awful limbo: too big to be Cocoa Pebbles and too small to be Cocoa Puffs. It’s official. Ben Affleck ruined Batman.

At least we still have Superman. I was one of the, seemingly, few people who thought Man of Steel was the best thing to star Superman. I don’t think Henry Cavill is the best actor in the world, but he was good enough to make Man of Steel a Superman movie I wanted to see more than once.

Batman v Superman Cereal Superman Piece

Superman’s cereal flavor is supposed to be caramel crunch but I actually thought it smelled and tasted more like Waffle Crisp initially. I suppose Waffle Crisp doesn’t taste anything like waffles so it’s not like Superman’s cereal is some crazy Canadian syrup cereal. And if you let Superman linger on your tongue for a bit, you might actually get a hint of caramel corn. Good old American caramel corn. This version of Superman isn’t perfect, but it’s just good enough to make me not, NOT want a second serving.

Zack Snyder knows what he’s got in Superman: just some basic-ass caramel corn. Superman’s good enough and enjoyable for a while, but after a while he starts to get boring. And then you start to realize why Snyder wanted to make such a drastically new Batman. He had to have his crazy new Batman to get Superman out of his ho-hum funk. Snyder needed Batman to break the DC doldrums and inject a crazy new flavor.

So here we are. We got an adequate Superman and a ridiculous Batman. But that’s just them individually. I bet when we mix them together in a bowl we’ll find out that there is some sort of magnificent combination of flavors–

Nope. Nope. Nope… Never mind. They are even worse together than I ever imagined. Nothing fits. Batman v Superman is a total mess. The two cereals don’t seem to be related at all. Superman is just too boring to compete against the ridiculousness of Batman. The Dark Knight’s bad influence washes over everything, covering the entire movie in a disgusting strawberry, chocolate haze.

Ben Affleck sucks and he’s dragging mediocre Henry Cavill down with him (not like he had that far to go anyway). Years of anticipation… for what? FOR THIS?! I don’t even know what this is supposed to be. Is it fun? No. Is it serious? Hell no. What the hell was Zack Snyder thinking!?

UPDATE: This was originally posted almost two months before Batman v Superman was released. And while I do not thing the movie sucks, the cereal was definitely correct about a few things.

  1. Batman overpowers Superman. But as opposed to the gross cereal, the movie Batman is awesome. So the overpowering Batman kind of works for me, with no strawberries involved.
  2. Superman is kind of whatever. He does have some really good moments, but there was so much potential for so much more. Maybe the extended cut of the cereal with have some extra flavor.
  3. The packaging was super dope. Batman v Superman looks awesome. No expense was spared.

Batman v Superman Cereal Superman Box

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