General Porpoise Doughnuts Review

There is but one food item adored by every single human being on Earth: the doughnut. No human can resist sweet bits of dough fried to a subtle, golden brown. No diet restriction can diminish one’s craving for this confection.

Poor quality is never an excuse either. There is no such thing as a “bad” doughnut. There only exists a range of good doughnuts to perfect doughnuts.

General Porpoise Doughnuts in Seattle, WA sells perfect doughnuts.

Okay. Thanks for stopping by to check out my website. I hope you enjoyed my review of General Porpoise Doughnuts. Come back soon and check out my reviews of Westworld and Rogue One. Bye.

Oh, and one more thing: I’m not giving General Porpoise Doughnuts a perfect score. Far from it.

See, the thing is, I lied in my first paragraph. Not on purpose. No, I believed the things I said. I never had a reason to dislike a doughnut. But that was before General Porpoise grabbed me by the throat, punched me in the gut and stole my wallet.

Do not let General Porpoise’s silky smooth doughnuts seduce you. General Porpoise will rob you blind the moment you become distracted.

How in the world does one single doughnut cost $4.60 with tax?

I may be a simpleton from the Midwest but when I’m getting ripped off. I know that a small piece of dough should not cost the same as two gallons of gas at Kwik Trip.

Not familiar with Kwik Trip? It is a chain of convenience stores that spread across Iowa, Minnesota and Wisconsin. Oh, and by the way, a dozen glazed doughnuts at Kwik Trip costs less than one doughnut at General Porpoise.

You live in Seattle and can’t afford to fly out to Minnesota whenever you need doughnuts? Just head down to your local Safeway Grocery store. Every Friday, a dozen doughnuts costs just five dollars. And not just the glazed doughnuts. Get twelve of those cool waffle doughnuts if you so please.

Now, are Kwik Trip or Safeway doughnuts as good as General Porpoise doughnuts? No. Hell no.

But it doesn’t matter. Like I said, there are no bad doughnuts, only good through perfect. And, if costs are equal, a dozen good doughnuts are always better than one perfect doughnut.

I don’t care if the doughnut gets injected with a tablespoon of delicious filling. I should not be able to buy five pounds of apples for the cost of one doughnut.

And now that I think about it, I’m not so sure General Porpoise makes perfect doughnut. Yes, the dough is perfect. Yes, the fillings are diverse and delicious. But unless you’re a child, General Porpoise Doughnuts are far too small.

General Porpoise’s dough is so light and airy that you may think you’re eating cotton candy. You’ll take one bit, savor the– and it’s gone. The whole damn doughnut is gone, consumed in seconds.

Satisfaction and disappointment are hard to experience together, but General Porpoise figured it out.

You will become addicted to General Porpoise’s bright flavor. A sun lamp burns bright in your mouth, nourishing your soul. But you’ll also scoff when you hand your card to the cashier and he or she gives you your final bill. It is important to not begin chewing until you’ve paid. The choking hazard is too great.

It pains me to say, but I cannot recommend General Porpoise with 100% conviction. Yes, the doughnuts are delicious but the value is not present in any manner whatsoever.

Wait– you have a high paying job and money is not object? What the hell are you doing picking doughnuts out of Safeway case like some dope?

Get your rich ass down to General Porpoise. Or charter a private jet to Wisconsin and stock up on Kwik Trip glazed doughnuts.

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