Star Wars Cereal: The Flavor Doesn’t Awaken

Long ago in an office building far, far away… near I-394 and U.S. Route 169…
Quality has vanished. In its absence, the sinister GENERAL MILLS has risen from the ashes of capitalism and will not rest until innovation, the last hope for a good Star Wars cereal, has been destroyed.

Inside a stark corporate board room General Simonds addresses her colleagues, “Until this breakfast cereal is fully operational we are vulnerable. The discerning consumers are too well equipped. They’re more dangerous than you realize.”

General Murphy, who has overseen creation of the new cereal shakes his head and interjects,  “Dangerous to your marketing department commander, not to this breakfast cereal.”

“The discerning consumers will continue to gain support in the free market–”

General Simonds is interrupted by Grand Moff Powell who barges into the board room, trailed by Darth Erikson, a menacing cloaked figure with a penchant for violence.

“The free market will no longer be of any concern to us,” Grand Moff Powell declares, “I have just received word that the board of directors has approved a Star Wars corporate tie-in. The last remnant of the old ways of business have been swept away.”

Star Wars Cereal Board Room

Simonds is in shock from hearing of the development. “That’s impossible, ” she blurts loudly, “How will the board of directors expect us to maintain brand loyalty without product innovation?”

Grand Moff Powell scoffs at Simond’s ignorance. “Disney and LucasFilm will now have direct access our product lines. Fear will keep the consumers in line, fear of never having a Star Wars breakfast cereal.”

“And what of the consumers? If the discerning consumers have obtained complete reviews it is possible, however unlikely, that they might find a weakness and complain about it.”

Darth Erikson steps forward and finally speaks for the first time, “The reviews you refer to will soon be back in our hands.” He is full of confidence, despite his belabored breathing.

General Murphy having listened quietly could no longer sit idly by while his hard work is torn apart. Gathering his courage to speak openly he declares, “Any Internet comments made by the consumers against this cereal would be a useless gesture, no matter what recipe data they’ve obtained. This cereal, a combination of Trix and Lucky Charms, is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we sell it as is. We have no need for a corporate tie-in.”

“Don’t be too proud of this naturally flavored terror you’ve constructed,” Darth Erikson scolds, “The Trix pieces are dense and uncomfortable to eat. The marshmallows are far too sweet to be in the company of the fruity cereal. Any tongue that tastes this cereal will feel a disturbance. But a lousy fruity cereal with marshmallows is insignificant next to the power of the corporate tie-ins.”

Murphy is now fully enraged.

“Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways Lord Erikson. Your sad devotion to ancient marketing techniques has not helped you conjure up an innovative new cereal or given you clairvoyance enough to find the consumers hidden dolla–”

General Murphy stops mid-sentence and begins grasping at his neck. It’s as if he is being hung from a noose. But there is no noose in the room.

Star Wars Cereal Force Choke

“I find your lack of faith disturbing.” Darth Erikson says as he slowly lifts his hand.

To the others it appears as if he is holding a tiny invisible spoon. Darth Erikson continues to squeeze the air between his fingers and General Murphy struggles more and more to breath. A spoonful of Murphy’s new terrible cereal floats through the air towards Murphy’s mouth. Murphy is desperate to move, to breathe but he is powerless against the forces that Darth Erikson possess. The other generals look at each other in bewilderment and fear.

“ENOUGH OF THIS,” Grand Moff Powell demands, “Powell, release him!”

“As you wish,” Darth Erikson replies. He lowers his hand and General Murphy drops face down onto the board room table. Murphy pants uncontrollably, filling his lungs as often and frequently as possible.

“This bickering is pointless,” Powell continues, “Lord Erikson will provide us with the necessary Star Wars contracts before this breakfast cereal is operational.”

The End. And now a word from our sponsor…

Star Wars Cereal Cat

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