King's Quest: A Knight to Remember

King’s Quest: A Knight to Remember Review

The wussification of America continues. In my day if you wanted to complete a King’s Quest game you had spend weeks going back and forth clicking your mouse on every pixel to find some random thing that in some incoherent way combines with some other random thing to solve an impossible puzzle that you only figure out by looking at a walkthrough because you finally got fed up of being a constant failure. But now you can complete a bite-sized King’s Quest game in an afternoon without looking at a walkthrough once. Thanks Obama.

I think I died a total of four times while playing King’s Quest: A Knight to Remember. That’s baby stuff when compared to the nonstop bloodbath of King’s Quest games of old. It used to be you enter a room and BOOM. You’re dead. Pick up a flower. DEAD. Get on a boat. DEAD. Go to the next screen. DEAD. Sit on a chair. DEAD. Walk. DEAD. Talk. DEAD. Do nothing. DEAD.

But now that it’s 2016, we had to simplify King’s Quest and make it more approachable for all the soft, wimpy millennials who can’t handle failure without throwing a Twitter tantrum. We can’t risk subjecting these pushovers to anything other than success. Great job Jasper! You did it Ezra!

King's Quest: A Knight to Remember

Old King’s Quest adventures required the player to click on every fricking thing on every fricking screen. You missed that single gold pixel on the farthest reaches of the map? Too bad. Stop being such a loser and start backtracking.

I backtracked in search of a clue two times inn A Knight to Remember. This fancy new map is so manageable and well laid out that it didn’t even seem like the daunting waste of time it used to be. The developers even went so far as to segment the map and remove access to certain parts when you no longer needed to go there. Where’s the fun in that? Make the whole damn thing a giant haystack or don’t do anything at all!

And to make things even more sissified, the game doesn’t even cripple your finger. I’ve already developed arthritis in my index finger from clicking a mouse for most of my life. I’m sure the years of playing King’s Quest exacerbated the issue due to the incessant clicking and typing. But with this newfangled game, I enjoyed a nice relaxing adventure from my couch using an analog stick and pressing one, maybe two buttons every few minutes with my thumb. What kind of point and click adventure doesn’t leave you with permanent bodily damage?

King's Quest: A Knight to Remember

And don’t get me started on these fancy new graphics. In my days we used to have only two colors on screen at a time. You had an orange and a darker orange. The world was a blocky mess and nothing made sense. But that was the way it was and we liked it.

But the world in King’s Quest: A Knight to Remember is a bright and colorful storybook hand painted by the touch of a master. And it’s all presented in eye-searing high definition. But but don’t get too brash there sonny. The old games would never have all the odd blips and clips of this new generation. Once you got the old floppy drives booted in DOS, the old games ran like a dream.

And we didn’t need top-notch voice acting to get enjoyment from King’s Quest. All we needed was dialogue boxes and we were happy. But kids these days demand all-star talent like Christopher Lloyd, Wallace Shawn and Tom Kenny. Give these insufferable brats anything less that Doc Brown spouting well-written quips and watch them throw a hissy fit.

“Voice talent is the only way to serve the story,” they’ll say. Bull-hooey! I never needed no expertly scripted PG Disney story to enjoy King’s Quest. If the story can’t be condensed into one paragraph on the CD insert it isn’t worth reading. Branching decision trees with lasting repercussions to the story are for the weak. The clever use of flashbacks is pathetic. Just throw me into the game with zero backstory and watch me do my stuff!

This new generation doesn’t even know the hardships we used to live through. King’s Quest: A Knight to Remember is given to them on a beautiful platter and they don’t even know it. They’ll never know gratitude when everything comes easy to them. They’ll just keep believing that they are perfect little angels who know every little thing about the world. Bah! Humbug!

King's Quest: A Knight to Remember