Star Realms Title Screen

Star Realms Review

If I learned only one thing from my time playing Star Realms it was this: the Universe is a cold, unforgiving plain of existence where every fiber of matter is against you. Give up all hope. Nothing can save you for there is nothing at all.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back, all the way back, to the start of the universe. In the beginning there was nothing. And in an instant there was Star Realms, a battle between factions of different blah blah blah… who cares. There’s a big convoluted backstory that nobody cares about. The functions of battle are convoluted enough. We don’t another serving of mush.

Existence is complicated enough. Let’s just simplify Star RealmsYou need to acquire enough ships in order to blow up other ships. Blow up your opponents ships more than your opponent blows up your ships and you are the champion of all existence. Sounds simple enough, right? It is. And it isn’t.

Star Realms Card Detail

Most of the ships in the universe belong to one of four factions (you’d thing an infinitely expanded universe would offer more choice). You must carefully build a fleet that maximizes your ability to purchase better ships while not forgoing the opportunity to add ships with heavy attack powers. And all of that is useless if you don’t acquire any ships that offer you protection.

But of course building a diverse portfolio is too easy. You must also account for relationships between the different factions. Ships from within the same faction will boost the morale and power of one another. If you diversify too much you lose the extra oomph needed to win. Diversify too little and you leave yourself vulnerable to a specific attack.

Got all that? Great. But guess what? None of it matters. The universe has it in for you. You can’t win.

The Creator is not fair. The Creator is not compassionate. The Creator does not bother himself with the trivial pursuits of man and He has devised a cold and unforgiving system of rules that will defeat you morally and spiritually.

I swear it’s not me or my ability. I have fully mastery of all the mechanics of Star Realms. The Creator does not allow for a fair fight. The Creator did not program your opponents to play smarter as you increase the difficulty setting. Instead of playing smarter, the creator just gives you terrible card selections and even worse hands.

Star Realms

You will have endless examples of how the universe is purposefully and spitefully out to get you. In one particular battle I had a stacked deck with only four scouts left. The battle with my opponent had been tight and well contested. I could tell we were down to the last turns. If I didn’t finish him off right then, I was a goner. And just when I had him dead in my sights, I am dealt all four scouts, all in a row. I needed one card that wasn’t a scout and I would be victorious. But my pleas of fairness fell on deaf ears. I came up one point short and was promptly destroyed on the next turn. The Universe spit in my face.

The Universe has many rules like the rule to always leave you one attack point short. It has been decreed that any scrapping ships you own will be dealt on a fresh deck with no discard pile to choose from. It is written in the stars that you will always be dealt a Viper when you need just one more credit to buy a proper ship. It is an universal truth that will be be forced to purchase dreck and the replacement card will be unstoppable and your opponent will always have just enough credits to purchase it.

The odds against you are as endless as the universe. But despite the endless barrage of defeats you will endure, every so often you will find a glimmer of hope. In rare occasions you just might see a small crack in God’s infinite wisdom. And through this tear in the fabric of existence you will see the blinding light of victory. Grab it! Don’t let it go! You can control all space and time. You can master the secrets of existence. You can defeat the undefeatable.

Star Realms

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