Uncharted 4 Review

Uncharted 4 has finally been released. I know you’re anxious to get up and get going, but before departing on your journey, you must first make preparations. You’ll want to refill your CamelBak, stock up on microwavable finger foods, strap on  your adult diaper, shut the blinds, sit on your most comfortable hemorrhoid pillow, and say goodbye to your loved ones. You’ll be away for a long time.

Oh fortunate traveler, first you must train your body. Your journey will require giant feats of strength. You must raise your physical prowess to the status of a titan. You will have no moment to spare for weakness. Your adventure will demand every shred of stamina. Your body will want to stop. Your cells will scream for oxygen. But you will carry on.

Uncharted 4 Libertalia

No rock on God’s Earth can stand in your way. You must know this to be true, otherwise you have already failed. There will always be a route. You may question your path. You may believe you are lost. But forge ahead traveler. You will never be lost when you are moving forward. Fear not for finding a path. The path will find you. Time and time again, you will learn this truth.

You will experience the human limits of traversing great chasms. With no end in sight, your thoughts may turn to ending it all. Press on! You are being tested. You are proving yourself worthy of the grind. Focus not on the time wasted moving between where you begin and where you want to go. Be in the now. Admire the present. There is not point A. There is no point B. This is now, and it is glorious.

Uncharted 4 Climbing

Your journey will be fraught with danger, not only from the design of nature, but from the design of man. Many men will shoot many more bullets at you. But fear not. The treasure you seek cannot be denied. You must fight through the hordes of naysayers, those who believe you unworthy of what you deserve. The fools know nothing and for their transgressions, you must murder them, all of them. Hundreds and hundreds of men must perish if you are to claim what is rightfully yours.

But heed my warning: proceed with caution. You must take great care in anonymity. Graceful traversal of the numerous battle fields should your top priority. Do not alert your enemies to your presence. You are but one man and they are an army.

But if your covert tactic fails, and it will, get a bunch of big-ass guns and start smoking every goddamn fool in military fatigues you see. Fill your pockets with every gun, bullet or bomb you find. You will require massive amounts of ammunition if you hope to survive. Just as you cannot be stopped, the enemies you face will be ferocious competitors. Their bodies will absorb bullets like gelatin. And those who eventually fall will be replaced threefold.

Hell will have a waiting list when your journey concludes.

Uncharted 4 Leaping from Truck

Dear traveler, on your adventure you will find mountains of gold and antiquities. The worth of these object may be high in the eyes of man, but do not forgot the worth of your character. Do not discount the value of those around you, the lessons they teach you. The truths you discover on your journey will be invaluable treasure no amount of jewels could replace.

The stories you’ll tell at the end of the road will far surpass your wildest dreams. You will uncover deep truths that you never knew existed. You will not only improve your body, but your soul as well. You will relearn what it is to love and be loved by those most important to you.

Do not detour from your personal journey. Things may not always seem clear cut. Holes in logic may briefly block your path. But just as you do with your external power, traverse these gaps with your mind. They are only there to mislead you from the simple, singular truth that awaits you.

Uncharted 4 Cave Torch

When you return from your worldly explorations, there will be much rejoicing in your household. Not from you, no. But from the ones with whom you surround yourself. Yes, it will be they who have cause for celebration for you will be returned to the land of normality. Your absence will not go unnoticed. While conquering the wonderment of the world you will have left something behind, like a large, unmovable weight in the center of your home.

Your journey will take you to a far away fantasy world. A realm where physical abilities were unlimited. Your wits unmatched. Your charm irresistible. A space for your adventurous spirit to never be quelled.

But all journeys end.

Uncharted 4 Video Games