Assassin’s Creed Review

Assassin’s Creed has to be a bad movie because movies based on video games are always bad. That’s what the crooked media would have you believe. They want you to think there has never been a good video game movie. The media is wrong.

The year 2016 has finally brought us a good video game movie. That movie is Warcraft. The media is right about Assassin’s Creed.

Given all we know about the history of video game movies, why would anybody have thought Assassin’s Creed could have been an enjoyable movie? It’s not as if they stocked the movie with A-list talent. I mean, just look at the credits. …Academy Award winning Marion Cotillard? …Academy Award winning Jeremy Irons? Academy Award nominee Michael Fassbender?! Omar from The Wire?!!! Mad-Eye Moody?!!!!!

Are you kidding me?! How did they mess this up?

Marion Cotillard

Close your eyes and imagine you someone tells you there is a mystery movie releasing at Christmas. This mystery movie stars Cotillard, Fassbender, Irons, Williams and Gleeson. How many nominations is this movie receiving during awards season? This movie must feature rich, complex characters with impassioned performances.

Keep you eyes closed and listen to the dialogue. What do you hear? Do you hear anybody giving a damn? Do you hear anybody with any sort of energy in their voice? Or do you hear a bunch of nonchalant actors vegged out on Ambien? Now open your eyes and watch Assassin’s Creed.

No, don’t close your eyes again. LOOK. AT. IT.

Bath yourself in the over-washed, muted colors. Breath in the endless billows of dust. Shield your eyes as the camera refuses to aim anywhere but into the heart of the sun. Re-taste your movie refreshments as queasiness sets in from constant cuts, shakes and ramps. Yawn as the action set pieces –actually, those parts were pretty good.

Animus

The biggest draw to the Assassin’s Creed video game series is the historical-based action. Whether it’s the Italian Renaissance or Industrial Revolution, ignoring gravity and slaughtering enemies is fun. The Assassin’s Creed movie get’s this part of the game right. At least whenever it’s on screen, which is rarely enough.

My least favorite part of an Assassin’s Creed game is the portions that take place in the future. If you’re not familiar with the concept, the historical scenes are memories accessed through the blood of ancestors. I don’t know about that.

“Okay Google, does DNA store memories?”

Really?

Okay, even if transferring memories through DNA is possible, the future scenes are the worst part of an Assassin’s Creed game. I want to be a pirate. I don’t want to rummage around some modern business office. I don’t want to hear about corporate issues. I want to stab an ancient Italian in the neck!

But if you love the future portions of the Assassin’s Creed games, then you’re going to LOVE the movie. I don’t have an exact number, but I would estimate 90% of the Assassin’s Creed movie takes place in the future.

Pity. Assassin’s Creed is fascinating when Michael Fassbender’s character is experiencing memories. The device used to show the connection is intriguing. And if you ignore the mediocre camerawork, the action is fun.

But it should come as no surprise that a movie based on an action-based video game has solid action. Why else would they make the movie? For the high-brow concept and rich societal metaphors?

Assassin’s Creed can’t even explain the context of the movie.

Assassin’s Creed wastes far too much time explaining the plot. Minutes crawl as characters fail to convince the audience of the importance of anything. What do these people want? What do those people want? What does that thing do? Why is that person doing that? I don’t know. I’m sure the dialogue told me why but I didn’t care. You heard the dialogue. It’s sleep inducing.

Here’s a novel idea: instead of to telling me the important information, show me the information.

Naw. That’s what good movies do. Instead, how about endless shots of our heroes standing on buildings? Are they doing anything interesting on that building? No. Just staring.

Is standing on the edge of a building while staring into the distance all it’s cracked up to be? If Assassin’s Creed is to be trusted, it’s the most important thing a person can do. If you ever hope to make difference in the world, stand on the precipice and stare. Stare for far too long. And when you’re done staring, do a flip.

I’m done mincing words. Assassin’s Creed is not a good movie. The best thing I can say about it is that it isn’t terrible. In fact, it’s not much of anything. I left the theater with zero emotion. I didn’t dislike Assassin’s Creed just as much as I didn’t like it.

I guess in a way, Assassin’s Creed had my emotions standing on a ledge, blankly staring at the horizon.

Assassin