Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice Review

Batman v Superman is the most anticipated movie of all time. The two most famous comic book characters are finally appearing on the big screen together after decades of waiting. Not one single thing could be more exciting. It’s Christmas, plus all your birthdays, times infinity. With expectations this high, it’s all or nothing. It’s gonna be the best movie ever… right?

Humans are picky, self-centered, bi-polar little creatures. There is no room for imperfection. Any small error will reduce the larger scheme to garbage. Conversely, any slight critic of an otherwise pristine object is the result of a hater who’s probably on the payroll of the opposition. If it’s a little good. It’s all good. If it’s a little bad. It’s all bad. Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice is amazing. Also, it’s terrible. There will be no middle ground here!

I’m a positive guy. Let’s start with perfection.

Ben Affleck is the ultimate Batman. Sorry Bale. Sorry (not sorry) Clooney and Kilmer. Somebody make sure Keaton’s under suicide watch because never have we seen a Batman so powerful, so brutal and so psychologically disturbed. A guy who dresses like a bat clearly has issues. While Christian Bale gave us the honorable knight aspect of Batman, Affleck gives us the true, darker nature of Batman. He’s a grizzled vet who will do whatever is savagely necessary to destroy stop it. Batman v Superman presents perfect character arc for Batman. It’s no surprise that he gets top billing in the title. This is bar none the preeminent Batman.

There is absolutely nothing as viscerally entertaining as watching Batman in action during Batman v Superman. His sheer veracity is completely unmatched and nothing you have ever seen before. The fight choreography is spectacular and looks like it’s ripped straight off the pages of a comic book.

Batman v Superman Dark Knight Pose

Henry Cavill’s Superman carries the bulk of the movies emotional weight. As Superman deals with the pressures and repercussions of being an all-powerful god, he must decide what kind of god he should be, if he should be one at all.  Good thing that gorgeous, limey bastard was chiseled out of the world’s finest granite because a weaker man than Henry Cavill would have been crushed under the weight of this role. Action sequences are tough to pull off, but being able to nail action AND grounded emotions? This is the best Superman has ever been.

And speaking of action scenes, Batman v Superman absolutely delivers top-notch action sequences. From the introduction to Batman to the jaw-dropping battle royale, no movie delivers tighter, mind-blowing action that Batman v Superman. Zack Snyder is a maestro composing awe-inspiring visuals and he puts on a master class.

Batman v Superman beautifully explores the philosophical struggles of a world with super heroes. It’s refreshing to see a comic book movie dive this deeply into the pathos of the source material. Never before has a movie in the genre explored the ramifications so thoroughly. The thoughtfulness and intellectual depth presented on film is a testament to the perfect direction of Zack Snyder.

Batman v Superman

Ugh… Enough sweet talk. Let’s get nasty.

If Twitter is to be believed, ten childhoods are destroyed every second. When Batman v Superman was released, that number skyrocketed to a million childhoods murdered every half second. Zack Snyder broke into your house, stole all you have ever held dear in the world and burned it in an incinerator. Future generations will forever be marred by the childhood genocide of March 25, 2016.

Let’s start with Batman. This was by far the Batman ever put to screen. I would rather see fifty bat nipples than see Ben Affleck ruin Batman one more second. Everybody knows Batman never kills. And yet Batfleck gallivants around Gotham fiendishly murdering anybody he can. It’s an absolute travesty and a complete assassination of the Batman I knew and loved.

If I had a dollar for every person Batman murders in Batman v Superman, I would be rich enough to create a time machine, go back to 2013 and slap Zack Snyder in the face until he agrees to leave the project. There is a fundamental misunderstanding in Batman v Superman was to who Batman even is or ever was. Nobody involved with this movie has even the slightest shred of knowledge when it comes to the Caped Crusader. BATMAN DOESN’T KILL PEOPLE. He never has and he never will.

Batman v Superman Batwing Crash

And then there’s Superman. Ohhh God. This stupid oaf couldn’t act to save a cat out of a tree. Will the entire emotional weight of the movie resting on him, Henry Cavill completely collapses and flounders about like a drunk, limey bastard. At no point did I ever for one second believe a thing Superman said. After destroying Superman in Man of Steel, Cavill comes back to drive Superman even deeper into the ground.

And while Batman is busy murdering every citizen in Gotham, Superman is busy murdering the basis of his character. Superman is a symbol of hope and the ultimate good guy. But in Batman v Superman he’s far more interested in hooking up with Louis Lane and couldn’t be bothered to be a decent human being to anybody. And once again he is determined to destroy as much of Gotham as possible. I wish this new Superman would just die.

But you know who’s even worse than Superman and Batman combined? Zack Snyder, the masochist pulling all the strings in this dour excuse for a film. Not once did Snyder ever show a single shred of understanding of character development, plot cohesion or just movie making in general. Batman v Superman has got to be the WORST movie ever put to screen. And not just comic book movies, I’m talking about all movies, all time.

Let’s check out Snyder’s report card for movie making 101. Editing? Fail. Script? Fail. Pacing? Fail. Character development? Fail. Action? Fail. Entertainment? Fail. The dunce got straight F’s and yet Warner Brother’s refuses to send the remedial clown back to elementary school.

Surely there was some middle ground!

No! Not thing was average in Batman v Superman. Lex Luther was godawful. Wonder Woman was spectacular. Alfred was a depressing waste of time. Doomsday was incredible. Jesse Eisenberg was amazing. Gal Gadot was pathetic. Jeremy Irons was perfect. And Doomsday was laughably bad. Claiming Batman v Superman is the best movie of all time would be a lie, it is by far the worst. But while it’s not the worst movie, you could easily say Batman v Superman is the best movie you’ll ever see.

Batman v Superman