I always knew girls had cooties. I just never new how bad it could get.
Cooties is a mostly-funny, never-scary, barely-grotesque, R-rated, B-movie horror comedy that should have never even thought about attempting any sort of semblance to character study.
Well, I guess that just about summed it all up. Am I done? You want more? Fine…
Elijah Woods stars as an Elijah Wood-type substitute teacher. Elijah is thrust into the an uncomfortable situation on his first day when his students start eating people. Aided by fellow teachers, hijinks ensue.
Is that enough? More?! Ugh…
Rainn Wilson is the real standout in Cooties. His portrayal of Wade the gym teacher brings the bulk of comedy and life to the movie. Cooties is almost worth watching just for seeing Rainn Wilson do his thing.
But of course the filmmakers had to go and ruin the seed of potential by crushing the movie with a boring, repetive middle third. Cooties attempts to introduce some sort of real horror element that doesn’t work and then for some reason tries to develop realistic characters with realistic relationship problems. Not everything needs a love story.
Dear filmmakers, if you’re going for B-movie schlock, don’t waste our time with a contrived love stories and under-cooked character development. Cooties only works when it’s a comedy. Half of one movie does not one whole movie make.
What are you offering? Besides throwing hot pots of coffee at people or writing a stupid book no one wants to read about some guy who wants to fuck a boat.