There were a few cheers as the auditorium darkened and straggles quickly searched for a seat. The audible excitement probably came from the people who’ve read Deadpool comics; a group of which I’m not a member. The rest of us were just there because we just wanted to know one thing: what’s a Deadpool?
Spoiler alert! Deadpool is another superhero who’s strong, fast, impossible to kill and really good at slow motion jumpy twisty things. Deadpool also acts an awful lot like Van Wilder, with a little tinge of Hal Jordan and a touch of an ultra fast snail. Deadpool seems like… he seems…
I’m sorry. I’m just a little distracted. I can’t stop thinking about the guy who sat in front of me at the movie theater. This guy spent the whole preshow fiddling with a Rubik’s Cube like it was a boob. The guy couldn’t be more than 23 years old. He was wearing sweatpants which makes you think unemployed, but no. He had an RFID badge on and was talking with his friends about server technology. That guy has got it made. Sweatpants on a workday, friends to watch Deadpool and a Rubik’s Cube that apparently feels like a female breast.
This guy taught me an important lesson: do it. Want wear sweatpants to work? Do it. Want to grope a toy in public? Do it. Want to get pegged by your girlfriend? Do it. Want to volunteer for an experimental procedure that will give you mutant abilities? Do it. Want to murder everybody in the way of your revenge? Do it– Wait. I don’t think I’m talking about sweatpants guy anymore. Either that or sweatpants guy was Deadpool.
You know, I never got a good look at his face so there’s a good chance it looked like ground hamburger. He was sitting next to hit or miss sidekick-type guy who looked rather weaselly. Also, I could tell by the way he squeezed the cube he could be really good at squeezing some melons. And sweatpants would be the most comfortable clothes to wear after a day of wearing spandex.
Holy shit. I watched Deadpool with Deadpool!
This is a greatly exciting development while simultaneously being extremely terrifying. I hope sweatpants Deadpool noticed that I laughed at all of the really clever jokes, even when nobody else in the theater laughed. But did he notice me sighing at all the zingers and one-liners that fizzled? There were so many that I’m sure he noticed. He didn’t stab me with a sword so I guess it’s safe to assume he didn’t notice.
I hope sweatpants Deadpool noticed how impressed I was with the romance in Deadpool. I mean, it wasn’t the best romance story in the world but it was surprisingly adequate for an R-rated superhero movie staring an actor with the acting ability of Ryan Reynolds. It was a valentines day miracle!
I really, really hope the sound of popcorn being masticated drowned out the sound of me fidgeting in my seat during a few dry sections of film. Sweatpants Deadpool would not be pleased to learn I thought his movie frequently dragged. I thought he did a great job with some of the action sequences. But could feel samey once in a while.
It also seemed like there was a big chunk of action that was removed, probably because some tightwad in a suit didn’t want to give sweatpants Deadpool a whole lot of money to make his movie. To make up for the missing action, sweatpants Deadpool just gave his movie a combine over by spreading other parts thin to cover up the gap. Vote Drumpf!
If sweatpants Deadpool did one thing thing that astonished me. He made it all work. Deadpool is a pretty good comedy. It’s a pretty good romance. It’s a pretty good superhero action movie. With wildly varying personalities, the odds of suckage were great. The plate spinning routine this movie wanted to perform was wildly ambitious. Add in the pressure of being a Marvel-based movie full of gore and masturbation jokes and you’ve got a lot of stakes riding on Deadpool.
No wonder sweatpants Deadpool was fidgeting with that Rubik’s Cube all night.