Ghostbusters (2016) Review

The new Ghostbusters is really fun… for a GIRL movie. Right off the bat, having a cast full of women firmly plants the new film into the fantasy genre, not like the original manly version that expertly balance comedy, action and horror. I mean, I’m not sexist or nothing but it’s just a physiological fact that women are lesser than men in almost every aspect, especially when it comes to busting ghosts.

I’m not sexist, but I believe God made man first for a reason. He loves us more and therefore gave us all the power and all the intelligence and all the authority. Women should be subservient to men in all manners, even in Ghostbusting.

A woman’s place is in the home, not out and about on a comedic hunt for ethereal apparitions. The Bible was very strict about that.

Ghostbusters Melissa McCarthy Leslie Jones

First and foremost, the Ghostbusters are supposed to be funny. These new rib-of-Adam Ghostbusters are funny, by girl standards. I did laugh quite a bit. And maybe I laughed really hard a few times. And perhaps I laughed consistently through the entire movie. It’s possible that I left the theater still chuckling about some jokes.

But I guarantee you that had the Ghostbusters been men, I would have laughed a billion times harder. Why make a funny movie if you could hypothetically make an even funnier movie?  I guarantee you that men could have gotten me to piss my pants.

These girls couldn’t even get me to piss my pants in a public movie theater. I mean, I don’t want to sound like a GOP presidential candidate, but women just can’t make people laugh like men. SAD!

Ghostbusters (2016)

The second most important attribute of a Ghostbusters movie is action. This new movie is pretty good, as far as female action goes. I mean, I don’t want to sound like women are pieces of garbage that don’t deserve respect, but they just can’t handle any sort of physicality. They’re bones are just too weak. They’re muscles too small. They have no coordination, at least not like men.

But if I absolutely have to compliment something about these double-X-chromosome Ghostbusters, I guess I would say that their proton packs are pretty cool. And visual effects look neat sometimes. And perhaps the 3D IMAX screen was impressive. And the fight choreography had some interesting bits. And the action cinematography had my attention some of the times.

But it could have been better and it should have been better. It should have been the best. It should have been men. I mean, I don’t want to disparage about half of the world’s population by insinuating that they are lesser humans who are incapable of any sort of physical feat other than child rearing or dish washing, but men are just better at action.

Ghostbusters Electricuted Ghost

And now we come to horror, the third pillar of proper ghost busting. This is something the new girls should be really good at. Seriously, girls are all such so I went in expecting some quality scenes of powder-puff Ghostbusterettes screaming and shrieking and running around in skimpy, loose-fitting negligées. You know, normal horror movie stuff.

Nope. The new Ghostbusters act all brave and don’t give into the weak mental fortitude that we all know they’re trying to cover up. But maybe that has to do with nothing in the movie being all that scary. That’s probably the only reason why every scene wasn’t a woman hysterically screaming.

Sure, some of the ghost designs are creepy but overall there weren’t any real horrific moments. But still, even the weakest of frights should have been enough to scare these girl Ghostbusters.

I mean, I don’t want to sound like a misogynist pig who’s only goal in life is to demean women in an attempt to recover from the feeling of powerlessness I’ve wallowed in ever since realizing that the world doesn’t bend to my will or expectations, but woman just aren’t as brave as men.

Ghostbusters (2016)

But what good is comedy, action and horror if you can’t put it all together with a quality plot and script? This is where it’s obvious that having a woman direct Ghostbusters failed the movie. Women just can’t direct like men and it’s obvious with the plot of Ghostbusters.

The plot conveniences are through the roof and the pacing is simply too fast. I mean, it’s cute that they allowed a women to make a girly Ghostbusters, but doing it at the expense of the world’s childhood is too high a cost.

I don’t want to sound like a piece of trash who’s just soaking in a puddle of his own self-hate due to the realization that his life is meaningless and what few moments of happiness he’s retained have been corrupted by the undying pangs of hopelessness and the lack of control which results in verbally abusive behaviors that give a fleeting sense of power and worth, but women shouldn’t direct movies.

And don’t believe for a second that Paul Feig really directed Ghostbusters. That’s just marketing. Sony knows that nobody would want to see a female directed movie. It’s all a sham. Paul Feig was just a ghost-director who had to cover up for some woman who couldn’t handle the pressure.

It wasn’t that mystery female director’s fault. It’s just her nature. Had Paul Feig truly directed this movie, there ain’t no way there would have been issues with the plot and script. No. That’s on the women. Don’t be such sexist and try to blame it on a poor white man.

Ghostbusters (2016)