Gods of Egypt Review

Oh Gods, what have I done to deserve such cruelty?! The Gods of Egypt do not smile upon me. Have my offerings not pleased you? Have I strayed from the path of light shown down from the heavens? Which inequities have I committed that require punishment?

Horus, you see all. How could you not foresee the sin against man that was to become Gods of Egypt? Oh Ra! How did this movie escape your light and grow and fester in darkness with Apophus.

Hear me Set! I pray unto you to unleash your rage and violence upon the land. Cleans all existence so that none shall ever fall victim to the pain that has afflicted me!

Gods of Egypt Horus

My honesty must come forth and not be corrupted by the soullessness of Gods of Egypt. I could not maintain my consciousness for the full length of the movie. Truth, I slept through a fair part of the film. So much so that upon awakening, I rejoiced in knowing that the movie was over.

But fate is cruel. I had been deceived and had yet more time to go before gazing upon the credits. Oh cruel Gods, my resting eyes could only save me from one third of the tortures bestowed onto me. Sleep could not save me from my dire fate. You may not sleep through your doom.

And please know that I was flummoxed to find I was not lost despite large swaths of film being removed completely from my awareness. The simplicity of the stupidity showcased could not be saved by thirty minutes. Neither could any additional thirty minutes redeem what has already fallen.

Gods of Egypt Set

I pray thee, tell me please, what are the rules of thy universe? Who can do what? Who so is stronger than who? Should Gerard Butler pilfer powers from other Gods, converting to an Egyptian Voltron, is he not unstoppable?

Answer me Ra! How is he stopped? As you stood above the Earth and planned your creation, did you summon the creativity of the screenwriter of Gods of Egypt and proclaim, “Cuz.”

The plans you have set forth bewilder and disorientate me from wisdom. What is Set’s plan? Does he note desire to rule all of the land while simultaneously desireth to destroy all that walketh upon the land? I do not question the will of the Gods, but to a mortal such as myself, I find Set’s desires to be incompatible with one another.

Gods of Egypt Gerard Butler

Oh Gods, I am but a mortal. I do not covet the responsibility of creation. Perhaps your wisdom is far too immense to convey to a tiny broken mind, such as mine own. And I know your disdain for the weak mortals such as me, for the mortals in Gods of Egypt tell it so.

No one soul could be worse than the soul of the main mortal character you have shown unto us as a symbol of your disdain. He has the mind of a dimwit and exhibits behaviors of a mentally crippled dimwit. And worse than his lack of knowledge and tact, he idolizes false idols like his big chested girlfriend and dares to undermine your path and remove her from the afterlife.

And why hast she died? Lo, the dimwit’s actions set forth her untimely demise as he attempted to remove her from her post and thwart the will of the Gods. Whilst the vast majority of Egyptians are rightlfully enslaved to built monuments for you Gods, the girl with the big chest did light clerical work in a palace and was the envy of all. And now she’s dead.

The God’s smile upon her. Leave it to a mortal to muck it up.

Gods of Egypt Brenton Thwaites

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