San Andreas Review

California is destroyed. Millions are dead. Thanks Obama.

San Andreas is a terrifying, metaphorical study of how ‘King’ Obama’s dictatorship has lead to the utter annihilation of the American way. Due to Obama’s brazen disregard for American life, the United States has fallen into complete disrepair and anything new has been created with the cheapest, most unreliable resources. Thanks to Obama’s negligence, just one small event is capable of decimating our entire country. Entire cities will be wiped from existence, like sand castles meeting a gentle wave.

San Andreas stars Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Johnson plays a man named Ray (Spanish for King!). Ray shirks his responsibilities to the people who pay his salary. This man abandons his post just so he can use our tax dollars to save his ex-wife and daughter. His despicable actions lead directly to the deaths of thousands of people, not to mention all of the other crimes he commits including larceny and assault. As always, The Rock plays his character to perfection and is great fun to watch.

San Andreas The Rock

Unfortunately none of the other actors have the same charisma as The Rock. With a script that is as weak as this one, they aren’t able to get by on pure appeal.

The spectacle of San Andreas is very grand. Just like the American way, every single building crumbles into tiny little pieces. Just America’s rising debt to China, a beautifully rendered tidal wave comes from the Pacific Ocean to demolish our country. And just like our economy, everything burns down, even the concrete for some reason.

The patriot who made this eye-opening parable even went so far as to give the middle finger to liberal science. Through the grace of God and by miracle of Jesus, characters are able to run at impossible speeds, survive impossible falls and withstand impossible forces. The power of prayer is on display throughout San Andreas.

I feel like this should go without saying, but if you’ve gotten this far and think I’m being serious… then holy shit. You’d be so lucky if San Andreas showed any sort of thought like the amount I had to put into writing a few paragraphs.

All considered, San Andreas is what it’s supposed to be. Loud, dumb and visually spectacular. Without The Rock this movie is probably complete garbage. And even though the movie showed disregard to the laws of science, San Andreas is still 1,000,000% more believable than The Rock’s work on Fast & Furious.

San Andreas Paul Giamatti