Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows Review

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows is a really stupid movie. I don’t think the movie had a screenwriter. I think the whole thing was improvised by a child and reenacted by adults. I think the director set out to make the loudest movie possible. I think he accomplished that goal and surpassed the physical constraints of reality. I think I got dumber watching the movie. And I think I  actually kinda liked it a little tiny bit.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows was always going to be a bad movie. The previous TMNT movie was awful. This new would should have been even worse. But somehow the filmmakers remembered that they are making a movie based on the 80s cartoon show and boy did they ever commit to the source material.

TMNT Bebop and Rocksteady

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows course corrects from its more serious predecessor so fast it will give you whiplash. They movie’s blurting out, “Sorry we tried to be normal in the first one! Here’s Baxter! Here’s Bebop! Here’s Rocksteady! You like Vanilla Ice? Here you go! KRANG!!!! Here’s Krang! We’re not even going to set him up! Here he is! He’s a brain! You like Technodrones? We got one! Remember watching the cartoon?! We got all the stuff! Love this movie! Love us!”

Turtles in a half shell look fantastic though. All of the CG looks spectacular. I think the artist’s dialed back the weird gritty texture the turtles had in the first movie and everything seems a little more palatable. Bebop and Rocksteady look great. They’re annoying as hell, but they’ve always been annoying as hell. Krang (despite his stupid Brad Garrett voice) was fun to see. His entrance was completely forced and anticlimactic, but it was cool to see him in action.

Turtle power could only take this movie so far. If they ever want to make a solid Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle movie they need to start by getting rid these humans. The actors? Get rid of them. Megan Fox can’t act. Stephen Amell turned Casey Jones into a whiny idiot who only wears a hockey mask once. Will Arnett is a caricature of a caricature of Gob Bluth. Shredder is stiffer than a Viagra joke. I mean, when the best actor is Tyler Perry going full-cheese and you have Laura Linney in your movie, you’ve got a problem.

TMNT April Michaelangelo and Casey

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