Transformers: The Last Knight Review

Transformers: The Last Knight has been trounced by critics and moviegoers alike. The harsh tongues spewing toxic words in hopes of dissuading others from experiencing this movie. These so-called critics have never made a single movie and yet have the gall to criticize the artwork of others. I refuse to sink to their level.

I will rise above the scornful muck of negative reviews.

Sure, I could go on a rant and say that the editing induces whiplash. It’d be easy to lambaste each imperfect line of dialogue and declare the script unfit for human consumption. There are countless aspects to rail on about. But focusing on negatives will never make the world better. Instead, I want to focus on the positives. Here is everything positive about Transformers: The Last Knight.

Employment

This movie employed a lot of people. Jobs are good. Most people need a job. Jobs create wealth. Wealth creates a strong economy. Don’t you want a strong economy? Thanks to Transformers: The Last Knight, the world is just a little bit wealthier and many people were gainfully employed.

Color

This movie is very colorful. I saw every color in the visual spectrum. I appreciate filmmakers who aren’t afraid to capture each and every wavelength with their camera. Transformers: The Last Knight’s got ’em all. Red. Yellow. Orange. Blue. Green. Violet. Cyan. Orange. Blueorange. Orangeblue. Orangeorange. They’re all here. All the colors. It’s very colorful. Colors are very good. Most people enjoy looking at them. I suppose a colorblind person may not get the full experience that I was afforded. That makes me sad. Color is nice.

Loud

I like sound. Hearing things is fun. Too often am I sitting in a movie theater wishing that the sound was just a little bit louder. Not the case during Transformers: The Last Knight. This movie doesn’t skimp on the sound and I really got my money’s worth of sound. Just so much sound. Constantly. Really loud sounds. Slightly louder sounds. Sometimes the sound would make you think for a split second that it would be quiet but, ho ho, the sound quickly ramps up the decibels. I suppose a deaf person may not get the full experience that I was afforded. That makes me sad. Sound is nice.

Big Cast

There are a lot of characters in this movie. It’s a treat to be given access to as many characters as possible. The number of characters to ticket price ratio certainly is something that someone may or may not find important, but Transformers: The Last Knight is a bargain for those looking for a high ratio. Most movies would shy away from extraneous cameos in fear of grinding momentum to a halt. But not this movie. It has the guts to showcase any character that may or may not have ever been in a Transformers movie. Someone who loves events like speed dating will really like meeting each and every character in this movie. One right after the other, they just keep coming.

Sheer Number of Jokes

Transformers: The Last Knight is filled to the brim with jokes. Don’t check your watch or you might miss the joke zinging right at your head. Don’t take a bathroom break or you might not get to see extended scenes of banter. In a unique attempt to personalize the humor, there is exactly one joke made specifically for each audience member. No more. No less. Each person gets one. Waiting for your perfectly tailored joke is a special treat in and of itself. I was the beneficiary of the joke where Mark Wahlberg threatens to punch a little kid in the face. It was funny, but only to me. It didn’t belong to any other person in my theater. It was my special joke. Luckily there are so, so many jokes that there is certainly one for you.

Family Time

Hollywood is a tough business. The hours are infinite and family lives suffer. It quickly became apparent to me that the screenwriters of Transformers: The Last Knight were afforded loads of time to spend time with their families. All three screenwriters. THREE. Had the screenwriters been forced to work extended hours, they wouldn’t have invented such ingenious plot devices like a gun that freezes time. I can picture their one and only script writing meeting now…

“Okay, so the ignition chamber is falling out of the sky. We’ve got some zero-g wire work. Mark and the hot babe we cast are flying about. They are plummeting from 20,000 feet. They’re gonna hit the ground and die. How do we save them?”

“Pool of water?”

“Hmm…”

“Mossy branches?”

“Maybe…”

“What if Prime catches them?”

“Yeah! That’d be perfect… But the Honest Trailer guys will make fun of how Prime’s made of metal and the impact would still kill Mark and the babe.”

“Assholes. What if… What if there was some sort of gun that could freeze time, but only in a little bubble. So one of the Autobots shoots Mark and the babe with the time freezing gun right before impact and they’re all like, ‘woooooah’ and then Optimus scoops ’em both up from the time bubble.”

“… that… is… fucking… genius!”

“Yeah! And we’ll just thrown in a scene with a new Autobot and his time freezing gun early into the movie so it feels 100% natural that this technology exists during the conclusion.”

“Let’s give him a French accent!”

“Awesome work bro! Let’s take a break and regroup in a couple hours. My daughter is giving a presentation during her science class that I do not want to miss.”

Ending

The absolute best thing about Transformers: The Last Knight is its conclusion. I speak not of the massive battle that fills the finale with seemingly hours of color, sound, characters and plot. No. I mean the literal conclusion. When the screen goes dark and the names of gainfully employed people with healthy family lives start to scroll upwards.

I reveled in the brilliance of this moment. I bathed in its nourishment. After (what felt like) a 5 hour exercise in patience, I was given sweet relief. I was free. Free to live my life. Free to exist in the outside world. To breathe.

To be.

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